Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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