come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
