hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
