Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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