I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
