my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
