Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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