Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
