YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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