is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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