my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
