why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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