im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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