Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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