I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Randomize
