Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
