The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
