I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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