Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
