dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i black out too much to be "responsible"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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