I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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