I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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