census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
