Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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