I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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