I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
