i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
