Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
