i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
