Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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