i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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