fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My balls are so social today.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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