I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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