My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
