I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
