Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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