I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Randomize
