I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
