life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
