plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
