on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
