There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
