when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.