Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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