I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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