you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
