Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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