Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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