drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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