Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
