I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
