we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
