guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
