As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
