I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
