dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
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I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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