I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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