chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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