i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
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im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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