Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
